Prioritizing Away from Mirages

I’m prioritizing.

I honestly, sincerely, cannot be the least bit bothered about their story and their life because everytime I sympathize, I’m being taken for granted. Has the world honestly run out of some good old fashioned selflessness? I’ve effeciently multi-tasked and balanced every aspect of my life on the assumption that all that time, energy and heart that I’ve put into those aspects will pay off. Eventually. Of all those aspects, the one thing that I’ve put my heart into and that which didn’t fail me has been medicine. Beautiful, honest, pure medicine. I’ve put a lot of caffeine-fueled nights, days and soul into it and believe me, it didn’t fail me. YET. So I’m diving ‘heart-first’ into it. I’m prepared to put up a fight and I plan on giving it 100% of my devotion. That’s what I plan on doing Inshallah. *wink*

So thus, I’m prioritizing. I’m eliminating those and them and that from my life and life style. I honestly couldn’t care less because if I did care at all, I’d be expending expensive energy on a mirage.  A mirage is a mirage until proven otherwise ofcourse. And if those, them and that are all mirages and if I NOW know those, them and that to be nothing but mirages, I’m choosing to walk away and never look back. Afterall, mirages beautifully, cunningly deceive you. They are nothing but charming illusory.

Believe me, at the end of the day you have your life ahead of you and all you can truly do is steer your ship in the direction of your destiny. Like I said, I’m going to steer my ship “heart-first” towards my destiny.

(Wish me luck!)

Timeless Cocoon

“I’ve crawled back into my shell. Or rather I’ve built a timeless cocoon around me just so that you can’t get to me. There’s is no more you and your eloquent words about shooting stars and the future and how eternal we become with every sunset we watch together. Truth is, you are you and I’m me and that, in a nutshell, means that we can never become one. You can never become a part of the divinity that completes me and I’ll never let myself become entwined within your dreams that kept showering me with fake rainbow dust. I probably should thank you for pushing me far enough to see that heavenly line underneath the rubble that separates you and me, and me and everyone else. You made me see my bubble; that translucent baby blue bubble that God created to protect me from people like you. The bubble, as beautifuly mend-able as it is, is supposed to bounce me back the moment I realize I’m swimming dangerous waters. It’s supposed to prevent me from falling over into inescapable voids made to look like prettly little ponds with Goldfishes and mermaids. That’s what you made it look like. I should have known it all sounded too beautiful, too magnificent, too tempting.

I’m back in my bubble; hard headed with a timeless cocoon around my heart that’ll prevent people like you from getting to  me. Everything has a reason behind those beautiful lacy curtains that they all cover up their reasons with. But all I need is my timeless cocoon, my bubble and my seasons; winters, springs, autumns and summers, with myself behind that line beneath the rubble.

There is no more you, to me.”

I Don’t Need You. At All.

“I want you to be my saviour, my protector, the giver of the good things and that one shining beam of light that shines from the heavens down upon me like a celestial, divine, eternal being. I want you to be my pillar and my haven that I can run to when cynicism and greed chases me down empty hallways. And I want you to stop me from going places from which you have already banished me from. I want you to walk with me, take my hand and lead me to all those places you said were meant for my eyes to see and for my senses to absorb. You said you’d show me and so I want you to show me all those undiscovered colours which you said every glistening white light holds.

But I don’t need you. And I don’t need you  to be anything and I don’t need you for anything at all. I don’t need you in the place of a speck of oxygen I breath into me and I don’t even need you to be the grass on my fields that catches hold of those tiny, shimmering, smithereen-like dew drops in my mornings. I don’t need you for my ship to sail and I don’t need you to be the wind nor the mighty power that guides me to my sanctuary. I don’t even need you in place of a dead autumn leaf that falls slowly before me to show me that God’s watchful eyes are following me and guiding me even along those seemingly trivial alleyways of life. I don’t need you for anything you’ve imagined that I’d need you for. I dont need you for my exsitance, survival, growth and prospertiy.  Infact, I don’t need you for anything and I don’t need you to be anything.

But I want you to be everything. Every seemingly insignificant or significant thing, to me.”

God and I.

There’s so many thoughts in my head that I feel like I should write about so I’m slightly..(more like overwhelmingly) confused as to what I should exactly write about or if it’s just one topic that I should write about or all/some of them. Now this is tricky.

You know, most people wouldn’t be able to assimilate this but I think we have this enormous, glowing, throbbing, divine power in us that can go that extra mile for us if we just let it. I think one of the most hurtful things possible under the skies would be the feeling of being let down after you’ve put your 100% into someone else. That would be a mistake right there. You cannot put your 100% into someone because the only thing you can put your 100% into is yourself and/or God and not some other soul apart from yourself. This other person was not ever responsible for your survival and will never be responsible for your survival (well not unless he/she turns out be your organ donor in which case you need his kidney/lung etc for your survival..but you get the gist of what I’m saying right?). If you put 100% of your faith in something or someone else whom you have no divine control over you’re letting go of yourself just a little bit too much. At the end of the day, when this thing that you’ve invested 100% of yourself FAILS you, it breaks you down and you hit rock bottom. This means, you are unable to function and you cannot imagine going through life anymore and I’m telling you, that’s not a place that anyone would ever want to go down to.

A very smart person once told me that you can invest upto 99% of yourself in something or someone but that you must leave that very significant 1% for yourself and God because when that 99% fails you, you still have that 1% to hold on to. That 1% is your conversations with God. That’s the once source that continues to give you faith and never fails you. Even if you fail him, he still listens to you and gives you strength to keep moving forward. The moment you stop your conversations with yourself and God, you are vulnerable to hitting rock bottom and beating yourself up thinking that you have no more purpose in life. Your ultimate purpose in life is to prosper and die happy. As long as you don’t know whether YOUR tommorow exists, you have to live as though this, here, right now, is the last moment you’ll ever have and guess what? When you die, the thing or the person you invested so much faith in doesn’t go with you. You go alone. At that point there is just you and God and NOT you and your mom or dad etc. When you’re dying, you can’t go in any other condition than in solitude. You can’t go with your mom or your pet cat or your grand pa and you can’t go with that person or thing you’ve invested yourself in! But amazingly enough, you know one thing is for sure and that is that, at whatever cost, whatever condition you maybe in, God is still watching you and He’s the one that exists when everything else ceases to exists. In the end, its just you and God.

My conversations with Allah, is sacred, divine and eternal and those conversation are the only reliable thing that I can put my trust in. There is nothing and no one else that you can invest all your expectations on except yourself and God. If you trust yourself that much and if you have that much faith in God, you are invincible and nothing can break you down. And at the end, you die content. Happy also.

Their Velvet Facade

My mom says there’s two sides to a person; the polished facade and what that facade is meant to cover. I’m barely 23 years old and I’ve just witnessed unholy, wretched deceit and such flawless duplicity that I thought no human could pull of so artistically and perfectly. Believe me; you think you know a person, but frankly all that you are actually witnessing and perceiving is their facade. The ‘thing’ that covers all that evilness, loathing and selfish greed that lies beneath that beautiful velvet covering. These days you cannot assume anything and being naive and too generous is just going to lead you to a dead end where you feel like you’ve been wrongfully degraded in an unjustifiable manner. I’m not at all trying to kill your mood here, but we all truly, deep inside know that evil walks amongst us. There is almost always, a selfish motive behind what seems like a generous, selfless gesture.

The good in all this is however, that when we have that moment of revelation where you see beyond the facade, you tend to appreciate every warning, precautionary notification that you’ve been given before. You think and thought your loved one’s have some unreasonable control-issue when they continue to warn you day in and day out but then reality hits in and that’s when you know you’ve been blind all along. The problem is most of us don’t have that 6th sense or that saintly instinct that helps us distinguish evil from the good. Most of the time it’s almost too far down the road and when you look back and attempt to retrace your steps, all your foot prints are covered in dried up, dead, withered leaves and dust. But NOT every time.

Dear Mom and my soul mate. This post is a dedication to both of you and your saintly instinct that is spot on every single time. Both of you are my guardian angels. I would give up my life for the both of you, just like you would make impossible journeys to set me on the path that leads me to my haven. I wish every single child like me, is bestowed with similar blessings that guards them, protects them and warns them of dangers lurking beneath every beautiful velvet facade. I am lucky and I am also blessed.

God bless.

An Affair With Love

Sometimes I misunderstand my whole purpose of blogging, which is certainly not to update anyone on my progress in life but to attempt at inspiring some mere mortal on topics such as life, love, grieving and work among others, which are the typical things that we experience during every living and breathing day that we walk on this rock. Sometimes during that period before I begin to furiously type away at the keyboard, my mind automatically switches to checklist mode which tells me I have to blog about every lame or eventful thing that happened since my last post. So yes, it takes me some effort to kick myself where it hurts the most to remind me not to make my posts so long and personal. So here I go.

Don’t you just hate and love love to the point where it seems as though you are having a twisted romance novel relationship with love itself? I have been in one solid relationship during my 22 years of existence and I can certainly say the whole process of giving and receiving love has exhausted me beyond compare. Don’t get me wrong here, but I could definitely take a day or two away from the drama that is love to rejuvenate and grow. But frankly the whole concept of breaking up, being so heartbroken that you just don’t have the effort to even walk, and then going through the entirety of the process of meeting someone for the first time and suffering that rather stupid phase of feeling tingly and mushy inside is just ridiculous for me at this point in time! It took such a large amount of energy and mental effort out of me to actually go through that strange process that must have exhausted some very good brain cells very pathetically! When I really think about it, I cannot imagine going through the whole ritual with another person than my man, frankly. I think, the thought of exhaustion itself it bound to keep people together! But if i were to be darn right honest, we as humans have so much love within us that we are meant to dispense to the world that being single for the entirety or majority of our lives would also be a very stupid, cowardly thing to do! Plus being loved is such a beautiful feeling when it’s all good. It makes you feel like you are wanted and needed. It makes you shiver knowing that you are as important as the air he breathes to him for his mere survival (and there goes another shiver down my spine).

So, I am guessing I’m pretty much settled for the future because although the exhaustion is ever present, it is also very inevitable and I intend to spend the rest of my living, breathing days on this rock with my man. It would be a pity to let all this love within me go to waste!

Me, My Plan and My Destiny

“Remember that you are a sole person and that nothing sweet, pleasant, beautiful or kind is ever going to stick by you forever. You must have your own plans. This plan would include you and your destiny and how you plan on getting to your destiny by yourself; alone.”

That’s what grandma used to tell me all the time. Every year, I’ve learnt to take her wisdom more seriously and I’ve begun to deeply appreciate what she was trying to instill in me.

I’ve come so far, crossing seas, boundaries, leaving behind people I love and have made choices that I’ve never thought I’d ever have to face in the entirity of my life. I’m at a point where I can look back and smile at the things I’ve endured and achieved but also look forward at the distance I still have ahead on my plan. What angers me is that even with experiences that I’ve endured, how I still have obviously not mastered the art of finding peace and happiness in making my journey in solitude.

Everyday is a revelation or a realization that I cannot blindly assume that I can cling on to somebody for sanctuary when a storm is brewing at a nearby horizon. My journey is “my” journey for a reason, is it not?

Solitude is remarkable because its tough as well as rewarding. There is nothing like solitude, a hot cup of Cappuccino and a chick-flick. But when it’s tough, you hate yourself for trusting people, making plans that include them and then hoping for a miracle!  And it’s even more awfully depressing when you’ve included another person in one of those “mothers of all plans” and realize that the other person’s plans doesn’t include you at all! You are just nothing but a speck of insignificant stardust.  You could have been a massively brilliant star before but now you realize you are just … nothing? You were probably never a part of their plan. It’s just that you thought that within all this worldly chaos, tyranny and cruelty that you are actually seeing a person who actually is willing to be your sanctuary.

Here is what a miracle would be. Me, my plan and my destiny! Me crossing those millions of miles ahead on my plan, fighting, sufferings, yet surviving and getting to that zenith where me, my plan and my destiny are at bliss!

Well guess what? I AM going to get there. Just me, my plan and my destiny.

Finally, Some Clarity

I’ve been a real bad girl haven’t I? To abandon you, dear blog, even for a few weeks is just darn right mean of me! Apologies.

I know, dear blog, that you’ve always been the only ‘thing’ I pour out my heart into. Every little piece of sand, dirt, dead leaves and all those withered little flowers that float around in the depths of my heart goes into you. I admit, I don’t really say it directly because being too emotional here would completely ruin the purpose of writing altogether! I like been subtle; mysterious even. In real life, I like to bottle things up in that really old empty jam bottle in my brain and act as if “every little things gonna be alright” and pretend to be happy as a lark. I think, that is mostly because most people don’t think on the same lines as I do. We are not on the same frequency or range or whatever you’d like to call it. Although I act like I get along with certain people, I just bear up inside , agree and try to make a healthy, grown up conversation because that is the ethical or “nice” thing to do. Few people actually know me well enough to know that I’m actually broken inside. So broken that I am actually laughing about it as I’m typing. I don’t mean broken in the sense that I’ve been scarred for life and emotionally so unsecure that I can’t even go out into the public and socialize. Not THAT kind of broken. I mean broken in the sense that I have a few tremendously bad weaknesses. I like to deal with those weaknesses in my own time and all alone in a box that is secluded from the rest of the world, so that I don’t scar anyone else. But its really not my fault that a few people actually witness me at my worst. People like Mom and a few other people that I’m “tight” with. Hold on! I’m not just trying to tell myself that its not my fault; I actually KNOW its not my fault. I am not that stupid just yet.

I realize I’ve ruined the purpose of writing altogether by coming out clean and being more frank, clear and direct than I’ve ever before been. I think, you my dear blog, being one of those very sacred things in my life deserves some clarity once in a while. And ofcourse, you, dear blog, define me to some extent. You could say today is one of my “bad” days but since my last birthday, I’ve made a promise to myself to practice to be content and believe that everything is harmonious around me. And so I’m on a leash from now on. This leash is going to prevent me from going mad, so to speak, and remind me everyday that everything is beautiful and that I should be content about those gifts that God has given me. Even writing about this “leash” is making me happier already! Fabulous!

I’m finally 22 years old and beginning to be in control of my life!

Things My Children Should Know.

Now and then something happens and I come up with another addition to my mental list of things I should probably pass on to my children. No, I don’t have children just yet, but when I do there are things that my mom never told me, things that I learn and have learned from my experiences that I should pass on to my babies.

Yesterday was one of those days. I was given a choice, or rather an ultimatum, to choose between the career I love and my family. I literally broke down in tears. I shouldn’t have hesitated a moment to make a decision but I hesitated  because I knew that there could be solutions and options, and that no one has to give up things they love and have devoted their lives and dreams to! Turns out, I do have options but there are people who just devote their lives to test you and break you down and kick you where it hurts most even if it eventually is a sick waste of time. And believe me, it was a pathetic waste of time. Its cruel, how people play God. But truth is, even God doesn’t give you ultimatums to decide between your family and some other materialistic thing.

‘But my children. If you are ever given a choice to choose between your family and some other worldly thing that you also love, choose your family. Because the day you die, your career or that other thing that you love will not cry for you and pray for you and love you the and bid you farewell at your funeral. It will not love you unconditionally,  when you are crippled and unable to be powerful and influential. Your family will stand up for you and love you no matter what you’ve done. do or will do and their love for you is eternally unconditional. Your family is what accepted you not for how good you look, your status, your bank balance, your A level grade or how well you play a sport but because God gave you to them and because they love you. ‘

Peace|Love|Music

I think certain music appeals to certain age groups don’t you? Or rather there is kiddy pop followed by a transition phase and then you get actually listen to a number of tunes and realize what actually sounds amazingly good. I’m not entirely sure if this theory applies to everyone but it sure was applicable to me! I think I have good taste in music *nod nod* I’m laying out the cards on the table here and I’m not the least bit being narcissistic here. Facts are, my dad is a good musician and I’ve been exposed to music since young and have grown up sight reading the classical masters’ compositions. Plus I have friends who are light years ahead of me in their musical talents of playing, making and judging music and so I learn a lot from them too. So I consider myself to be able distinguish what amazingly good music sounds like.

There are bands/musicians/singers that I generally listen to on a regular basis and then there are those that I don’t simply because I don’t really have the means to do so. Means being, I have limited internet connection which permits me to just download 4GB worth of data off the cyberworld, inclusive of all my lecture notes and the videos that I need for college. So, you understand me don’t you?

The genres I listen to root basically from rock music. I do listen to other genres and I’m very broad minded in that aspect but my main interests are in rock music. And for those of you who get woozy by the sound rock music please do not deviate from reading this because I’ll explain to you what I’m yapping about in just a bit. I don’t listen to extremely heavy music; music which sounds similar to what sounds like when you bang your hand on a hard surface 3 times and scream “Aaaaaaaa”. So I’m more attracted to Alternative rock, Indie Rock, Hard Rock, Progressive and Neo Progressive Rock, ofcourse Soft Rock and Nu Metal along with anything else that sounds good.

These recent few years I’ve come across a humongous amount of amazing music that have completely transformed me. And the purpose of this post basically is to promote these musicians and their music because I somehow think that a few of these musicians are not that famous or … well…not publicized aptly? Of course, this is not applicable to bands like Muse and Keane etc. but the occasions that I’ve come across these songs are quite silly and rare. So here they are. I promise you if you take your time to listen to these songs, you wouldn’t be dissatisfied because they actually seem to appeal to a very large majority of listeners. Also kindly note that, this is just a handful of songs from the entire base of song collections the world has seen from the beginning and also note that I’m just an insignificant person limited by her capabilities who is nothing more than just a mere listener. Enjoy.

Muse – MK ULTRA

Morcheeba – Enjoy the Ride

Keane – Bed Shaped [amazing video! =)]

Them Crooked Vultures – Gunman

Biffy Clyro – Mountains

Kid Harpoon – Stealing Cars

Chickenfoot – Avenida Revolution [Joe Sat! and the Red Rocker!]

Ray Lamontagne – Crazy [cover of Gnarls Barkley's song]

James Morrison – You Give Me Something [amazing vocals!]

Coheed and Cambria – The Suffering [cool hairdo? ]

Dredg – Information

The Good, The Bad and The Queen – Herculean

Saosin – It’s Far Better to Learn

Nikola Rachelle – Don’t Talk About This Love [a song originally by Nikola Rachelle]

Thanks goes to all the people who’ve enlightened me! You know who you are