Someone very dear to me once told me that I wasn’t happy because I never tried to be happy. Fact isn’t that I’m depressed or that I fail at the things I do. I have all the luck in the world; the best mother who wouldn’t think twice about giving up her life for me, the best grandparents who took care for me for so many years and the perfect health, not considering my high myopia or being immunosuppressed at times. Even more, I have Jane my beautiful cousin sister who adores me deeply and Dhonbe’ whom I’ve looked up to and who has watched out for me since forever. I even got to the chance to fall in love and feel the tingly, mushy sensation of being loved and to love him back was one of the things I’ve for once in my life done for myself selfishly. My career was clear green meadow and I was doing the one thing I wanted to pursue since 4years of age. I even had the chance to make people happy just by listening to them and making them feel like they are worth something. I’ve had the opportunity to hold an old lady’s hand while she was on the operation table and tell her that the pain is going to fade away soon. I have my father’s hands and his hair and his artistic personality. So why did I lie awake at night thinking that I’m not going to make an impact in such a small world in such a humongous universe in which I’m even smaller than a mere speck?
I really need to reconsider things and try some optimism for once. But its just so hard when I’ve seen and heard too much and I keep wondering and asking God and myself if I would succeed in continuing to be true to myself. That very someone who was dear to me was right because I never ever tried to be happy. I was too busy worrying about my friend or the kitten or my grandma’s blood pressure or my cousin not getting the chance to artistically flaunt herself or what I’d name my babies or if I’d ever again be able to see that specific renal failure patient at Port Dickson hospital again and so on and so forth. I know, I worry heaps about the minor details and that is what continues to kill me day in day out. Sigh..
I really should try to be happier…




