Finally, Some Clarity

I’ve been a real bad girl haven’t I? To abandon you, dear blog, even for a few weeks is just darn right mean of me! Apologies.

I know, dear blog, that you’ve always been the only ‘thing’ I pour out my heart into. Every little piece of sand, dirt, dead leaves and all those withered little flowers that float around in the depths of my heart goes into you. I admit, I don’t really say it directly because being too emotional here would completely ruin the purpose of writing altogether! I like been subtle; mysterious even. In real life, I like to bottle things up in that really old empty jam bottle in my brain and act as if “every little things gonna be alright” and pretend to be happy as a lark. I think, that is mostly because most people don’t think on the same lines as I do. We are not on the same frequency or range or whatever you’d like to call it. Although I act like I get along with certain people, I just bear up inside , agree and try to make a healthy, grown up conversation because that is the ethical or “nice” thing to do. Few people actually know me well enough to know that I’m actually broken inside. So broken that I am actually laughing about it as I’m typing. I don’t mean broken in the sense that I’ve been scarred for life and emotionally so unsecure that I can’t even go out into the public and socialize. Not THAT kind of broken. I mean broken in the sense that I have a few tremendously bad weaknesses. I like to deal with those weaknesses in my own time and all alone in a box that is secluded from the rest of the world, so that I don’t scar anyone else. But its really not my fault that a few people actually witness me at my worst. People like Mom and a few other people that I’m “tight” with. Hold on! I’m not just trying to tell myself that its not my fault; I actually KNOW its not my fault. I am not that stupid just yet.

I realize I’ve ruined the purpose of writing altogether by coming out clean and being more frank, clear and direct than I’ve ever before been. I think, you my dear blog, being one of those very sacred things in my life deserves some clarity once in a while. And ofcourse, you, dear blog, define me to some extent. You could say today is one of my “bad” days but since my last birthday, I’ve made a promise to myself to practice to be content and believe that everything is harmonious around me. And so I’m on a leash from now on. This leash is going to prevent me from going mad, so to speak, and remind me everyday that everything is beautiful and that I should be content about those gifts that God has given me. Even writing about this “leash” is making me happier already! Fabulous!

I’m finally 22 years old and beginning to be in control of my life!

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