Girl in the Meadow

When I first saw you, you were strolling along the dandelions in an evergreen meadow. Humming to yourself, you seemed so content with everything; the wind in your hair, the songs in the tree branches, the warmth of the sun on your skin and all the other blessings. It was as though you were devoid of all emptiness and you didn’t seem like you were wishing and asking more from life.  

You were barefoot and yet the wet, cold morning grass didn’t seem to bother you at all. Neither did the boulders on your path prevent you from singing your song and being free as an eagle. You didn’t seem to care about the chill in the wind or the strange woods that surround your vicinity and you weren’t fearful of the beasts that roam the forests. You were almost so pure and fulfilled and you carried on strolling.  

 There were no rainbows to colour your day and there certainly was no wishing well for you to wish for roses instead of dandelions and greener grass. Nor were there nightingales to faithfully sing to you and keep you company. You knew the signs of the impending storm which was growing, far away near the horizon with its fury and thunderous strength but you were in bliss with your ‘here and now’ and you weren’t scared. Surely, it was a strange land and you were on your own and powerless over the forces of nature. Yet you kept on strolling. 

Then you paused and smiled and gazed into the cerulean sky above you and it seemed as though you were gazing straight into God’s eyes. The truth in your smile said it all; that you were content and not complaining about what you cannot and could not achieve and that all the other insignificant and empty spaces were just insignificant and nothing more. It was truly an unspoken yet obvious gratitude.  

You weren’t an angel, a seraph, a saint and neither were you heavenly but what you were, was mortal and earthy; like me. Yet, you were a child with a pure heart that beats in rhythm to your blessings and not skipping a beat because there was something missing. In your eyes, things were almost perfect and to you, your painting had been painted with magnificent and everlasting colours by the hands of God. That’s what distinguished you from me. 

Flying Away

Finally I am going to be bestowed with wings to fly away to a water fountain that’s far beyond the mountains. Then, I’d be able to lazily let the days crawl on by without scary thoughts about blood red solutions, vernier calipers and the endometrium looming over my head. After years of trying to absorb page after page about science and geometry I’m leaving school. Contradiction is that I don’t feel as eager and joyful about leaving school for good and I am certainly not jumping up and down on my bed screaming that I’m free.

Frankly, I feel so nostalgic and dread the thought that life is going to be sucked out of my soul. To elucidate, school was a majority of the things that complete me and without school I think I would be almost empty. Come to think of it, it was somewhat pleasing to listen to my physics teacher rant on and on about the guys and their facial hair or watch him mesmerize about ‘high physics’ and ‘beautiful theories’. In short, I am in love with listening to my friends tease each other over one thing or the other and I cant imagine life without my classmates, acid-base titrations or enzyme- substrate reactions. In conclusion, life would be almost unbearably too monotonous.

 These two years, I’ve spent each day squinting my eyes to read the reading on a meter rule or listening to my friends’ fantasies. It hurts to realize that I wouldn’t be able to sing in public, play my saxophone or sleep during assemblies. Probably this is a sign that I should brace myself for any obstacles and hurdles that comes my way in the future. Somehow, I have a feeling that my future is going to be one hell of a ride.  

A Song

A pretty yellow bird sat at the window

Every morning, sang to me a sweet song

Giving me hope to wake up, smiling

And to stroll along an alley leading afar

 

The yellow bird sang to me of faith

Sang; He’ll protect me from the glaring sun

And will give me strength to stand so tall

After every blow that comes my way

 

The yellow bird sang to me of hope

Sang; the world conspires to help me grow

And that my angels would guide me through

To help me reach my home and destiny

 

The yellow bird sang to me of love

To love all which I am being blessed with

And sang to love the buds and blooms

To help me be content with life

 

The yellow bird’s song would lead me through

With a faith to fight through the strangest woods

With a hope to bear the sands of time

And to sow with love and watch flowers bloom

 

12th March 2007 18.32 Hidhaya (c)

A Moment

To say it in short, the world sucks your life and strength right out of your body in a gradual and painful process. it makes you feel so insignificant and helpless in a home in which you have no power to make things okay again. It’s a gradual and deteriorative process; that’s what I think. I completely understand that I sound extremely pessimistic but what is one to do when one sees someone being overshadowed by an intense darkness that is meant to overshadow permanently? I sigh.

I contained myself from staring at him because it would be extremely rude. He was a handsome man who had his life ahead of him; at least it seemed so to me. He explained to his friend how life was shredding him apart; tearing apart his sanity and making him weak and helpless. The one woman in his life, to whom he gave up everything,  and his precious son, who was the apple of his eye, were both terminally ill, in conditions equally pitiless and having no mercy on helpless him. With all the trauma and ordeal in their lives he was also recently clinically diagnosed to have a potential of developing a brutal disorder. I was amazed beyond all my understanding about how strong he seemed, to be able to stand up and walk towards an ominous future. I felt sympathy towards myself for not being able to do utterly anything to ease his pain.

Comparing myself to his condition made me realize how lucky and blessed I am. I have utterly no right to think bad and comment about other people even to myself and I have no right to misbehave or refuse to do chores. Life is too momentary to spend time doing meaningless things.

The Marching Duo

Switzerland is so far away from the equator and obviously one has to invest so much time and effort moving from
Maldives to
Switzerland and vice versa. I sigh for the 21^st time just thinking that Dhonbe wouldn’t be in close proximity. Its not that he has been away before but since I’ve grown and become a little bit more mature than the silly little girl I was, I realize that losing someone so close to you even for a little while is extremely hard. A few hours before he flew away, he came to have breakfast with grandma, mom and myself and for the precious reason that I would be seeing him before he left, I skipped classes and came home. I was barely able to keep myself from bursting into tears which obviously would have caused him to be more fearful and nostalgic about leaving home, I stood there without doing anything. The sheer memories of how we used to wake up early morning and read newspapers together or how we used to march with a drum and our make-up cymbal in our home, made feel a bit scared and insecure (to be frank) because I may not get to see him as often as I require to see him. I admit; I really do love him so much. I want him to know that where ever he maybe if at all he gets to see the stars that twinkle and shimmer in the night sky, I will be missing him so much and wanting him to be content with life and all the love and luck that he is blessed with.  

I Smile

I smile, when I see my mom’s face light up when I walk into the room and when my grandma is in a good mood. I also smile before I sleep after an easy day in which I didn’t have to go through complete disgrace, embarrassment and failure or after a day in which I had been successful in getting closer to my destiny. To me, it’s worth smiling when I know that God’s going to protect me from any boulders dropping from the sky and when I see people who are content with their lives. I also smile when I sing and that makes me realize that life has a lot more to be happy about. I deserve to smile when I’m loved and that makes me proud of myself.

It’s easy to smile pretentiously isn’t it? Of course smiling helps to release endorphins and stimulate the muscles of the face but I think a well deserved smile has a lot more truth in it than just biological gabble. Personally, genuinely smiling has a lot more worth than we actually believe and having a reason to smile makes it more beautiful and precious doesn’t it?

Child in Me

Do you see a child in my eyes?

A girl, swimming hard in the ocean

Or a girl who’s content in her garden

Where the blue birds sit singing by her side?

 

Can you hear a child in my words?

A girl so pleased with her paper boats

Or a girl who’s wounded by the broken glass

Who is fighting her way through the storm?

 

Did you feel a child in my aura?

A girl who sees no danger ahead

Or a wise girl who waters her flowers

With patience and pride for their bloom?

 

From a girl I’ll grow into a woman

A woman, strong like my mother

With the memory of her garden and paper boats

Who waters her flowers with glee

 

20th February 2007 14.15 Hidhaya (c)

 

The Alchemist

Initially I didn’t believe and neither was I planning on thinking on the possiblity that I was born to fulfill my destiny. When I was a little girl I may have thought and believed naively that I was to be a princess of a far away land and that to be a princess was my destiny. But doesn’t everyone at some point have those same fantasies? Anyway, a Brazilian made me to think on those lines again and frankly what he said really did boost my spirits. Paulo Coelho maybe half a world away in a country where people speak a language so strange to me but its true that his book was meant to keep the spirit of determination strong within us.
Strangest of all is that, I don’t read and I never planned on reading a story or a philosophical piece of literature in life. However, my subconscious mind was in charge and I couldn’t help but keep reading page after page. The book is described to have a life-enhancing impact on millions of people and believe me when I say that this is the ultimate book. In layman’s terms the book shows you in magnificent ways that everyone has a dream to fulfill and that some people do pass out of life without finding out their dream because they don’t listen to their hearts. It also shows the lengths you need to go in order to achieve your dream but most importantly it tells you that failure along the way is just Gods way of assessing you to determine whether you are strong enough to continue on your expedition. Basically, there definitely wouldn’t be a book even the slightest bit similar to this because it truly is magical since it makes you seek for your dream and your true desires.
Frankly, when I started my reading, I utterly had no clue of what or who an alchemist is and I thought the book was going to be just like all the other old ones.
Anyway, I would like to point out that neither would I be paid for advertising The Alchemist nor would I receive credit from the author. I’m not a reader but simply a person fascinated by something I have not experienced in my life before. I’m absolutely and definitely sure that once you read the first page your subconscious would make you go on further and by the end of the book you will obviously be a better person

Recharged

My apologies. It may seem that I have been away from the blogsphere because I was holidaying in Tirusoolam, Madras. Frankly, I was frequently exploring cyberspace, but I just deliberately stayed away from my blog because I needed to occupy myself in taking photographs for my blog and relaxing. All in all, it was a wonderful holiday mainly because the weather was on my side since it was 25 degrees and quite cool. Ofcourse, most people know Madras as a well-developed, modern and congested city but where we stayed was everything but congested and busy. Tirusoolam is a mountainous region and you could imagine the abundance of trees and wildlife.. Since I am by nature an extremely animal-loving person, I was overwhelmingly excited about seeing dogs, horses, cows, buffaloes, pigs, monkeys, squirrels and most important of all the friendly felines; cats. Some of the mornings I would wake up to the sound of dogs, cats, chickens or pigs scurrying in our front yard. I had even used a large portion of the food at home to feed the cats that resided in a pile of rocks near our house. Sometimes, life can get a little too monotonous in Male’, so a holiday in Tirusoolam was the right antidote to boost my sprits and recharge my mind. Hopefully, I’ll post some pictures of Tirusoolam that I had taken on my trip.

Letting Me Go

I want to believe in continuity, that everything lasts forever; us, the talks I has with mom in the evening, telling Granma that I loved her before I went to sleep. Possibly that’s just because I’m sympathetic for myself or that I am in a cowardly denial. But my family, my pride, my home and my beliefs are not ‘possessions’ that I’m willing to surrender. But however much I didn’t want to give them up, it’s the law of nature and that is one underlying point that I didn’t want to believe.

But maybe it’s not a matter of giving up my belongings and my individuality. Maybe the end is where whatever belongs to me becomes my own for eternity. I am in love with my life and most things about it and that scares me to let them go. So maybe stepping into the other realm means that lives have already been lived and cannot be undone. I have got to take joy in that.

The other night I stood near Granma while she was sound a sleep. She is almost 80 and she has severe Osteoporosis. To understand that she would have to leave us all soon isnt easy for me. These are my recollections that night…

I stared at her face and my eyes traced her wrinkles. There were so many lines on her face and that must mean that she had gone through tremendous obstacles in her time, I thought. Gray locks of hair were loosely and slowly dancing around her face. Her eyes were closed and she was breathing so calmly as if she was almost in a more peaceful place. Immediately I shook the sad though away. Unwillingly I lifted up my arm and I gently toughed her check and at once a hot tear trickled down my face. That moment I knew that she wouldn’t be with me for long and that she was on her way to be with the holly angels. Softly I sang, ‘Maama, I don’t know what would happen to me if you weren’t there to tell me what to do’